I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
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My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.