KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
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As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton