My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
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Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.