I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
you stereotypes are all alike
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Y’all know who you are.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*