my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
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What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.