Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Uh oh…
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
work smarter, not harder
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.