inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
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My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy