ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”