To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
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Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I have many caverns
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
This is my brand.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.