Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
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Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Liquor Store Parking
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.