Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
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most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent