imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
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Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?