What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
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The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
There are usually two types of merchants.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Pandas 🐼🖤
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.