My favorite female superhero
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Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Me in tagged photos
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!