“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
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Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
The French word for sex is croissant.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.