I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
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Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Candles never taste the way they smell
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation