Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
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I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Meme Monday.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Think I pulled my liver
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak