Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
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WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.