If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Blew out my flip flop…
liiiiiiiiike
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Banana is the quietest snack
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?