Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
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My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?