yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
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Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’