I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.