My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
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whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?