2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
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They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Just a phase…
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
me
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
White parent Vs Arab parents
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive