Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
no regrets
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…