Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
BaD BoY!!
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years