Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.