*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.