Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
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I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.