[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
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I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
*Seductively hides in the woods
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?