My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
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if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Breaking news:
The glockness monster
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?