People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
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STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!