I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
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7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.