If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Teach your children to beatbox
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
But I really needed water water water
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this