Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
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And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Yoga Matt
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Well. That’s not a good sign.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.