i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.