80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
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richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.