Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
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The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
*sewing*
A thread
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.