Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
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Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles