Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
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HR said no more nunchucks.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
You had me at “define legal”.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.