You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Lassie, get help!
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.