Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
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Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.