I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god