My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
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*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.