There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*