There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Pretty much. 🤣
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.