“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
oh shit
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant