*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?