Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
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*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
love pickles so much i put myself in one
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Ha
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone