Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
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Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.